Simmo02

Well, it has been a while hasn’t it?
I decided to post things here because there is less chance that anyone would see it, and yet I feel I need to post some of these things. I don't want to advertise these emotions and feeling on a page such as deviant art. So I chose here...


All I want
All I wanted was love,
a caring face,
a soft touch.
To be understood,
seen for who I am.

I am Simon,
definitely not perfect,
I have good intentions,
always wanting to be the best I can.

I am not expecting perfection,
just to be understood.

I want to be in love with someone for the right reasons.
I want to share my life with someone who will be there for me too.

I am not a strong person,
but I will fight for what is right.
29-09-05 | 11:48pm

Hurting
I have tried, god knows I have.
Things are not working right, and I am worried it is because of me. Is it my fault, and is that why you don’t want to see me?
I have tried doing it her way, leaving her to figure herself out. I have a feeling that...Cara has already figured herself out. Which is beside the point, the point is - it’s been 2 months. She may know where she is and how she feels. She may even know rightly that the relationship is over, but it is without me. She caused this situation, and is making it worse by not wanting to talk to, or even see me.
I care for her, and what I have been doing is with good intentions. to make it clear what we both want. Not just for me, but her. I can’t think that it is too much better for her, even if she is in control.
I am at the point where I do want to end it, Cara has given me no choice. I wanted to discuss it, I wanted to confront all of this before it got out of control. But she cut me off, and I cannot function this way. And no one expects me to. I am not being sad or weak for wishing to talk to her, quite the opposite. I am taking control for once. But it’s not easy, every time I try I just get pushed further back.
The saddest thing of all is that we promised ourselves that we would be honest to each other. This isn’t what Cara and I wanted. I have given up the fight. It is so very hard, Cara means, no meant so much to me. And the Cara now isn't...she is not the person I fell in love with.
Life sucks, at least at the moment...I want to move on...so much...
12:46am | 09-10-05


Collection
Am I going around this the wrong way?
Is there something else?
something big,
I am missing?

I want to know, believe me.
I want to help, don't stop me.
I care for you Cara,
why are you pushing me...
...away.

11:10pm | October 12, 2005

I will wait, if that is what you want.
I will ignore you, if that is what you want.
But it cannot go on forever,
reality must set in.
You must make a decision...
do you want me?
do you want my love?
...what do you want?

11:13pm | October 12, 2005

When will I know (it's over)
When will I feel (nothing)
What do I want (pain?)
If it’s all going to come crashing down,
can someone please tell me?

11:15pm | October 12, 2005

Is my life just going to be a pile of words, nothing more than a record of my misery?
If there is happiness out there, and if it is worth fighting for, when will I know?
I have grown so much, become a man some would say. But it doesn’t feel like it. At least not when it matters. I am still a scared, lonely, little boy. A boy who worries too much, pushing everyone away. Everyone that I love, everyone that I care for.
If life is meant to be good, when am I going to let people in?
11:22pm | October 12, 2005


Want
I want to know your likes, your dislikes.
Your wants, your desires.
Your hopes and your dreams.
I want to know, see and feel who you are as a person,
be your friend, and then we will se what goes from there.
And if all goes well, you will have discovered the same from me,
and hopefully liked it.
5:38pm | 19-10-05

Its is such a strange feeling, what I thought was exclusive to Cara. In fact is just the thrill of any new relationship. The concept of finding someone to be with is a huge rush, and it has been so long since I have felt anything like that.
Above all, it is knowing that a person...even from a first glance, has an interest in you. Simply because of who you are. If that can happen to me more often I wouldn’t be so depressed...
5:40pm | 19-10-05


Make or Break
I awoke in the middle of the night in a state of absolute fear.
Overcome by this massive feeling of dread, related to nothing in particular.
But I know what brought it on.
All hope of having Cara back is gone, even the irrational hope.
The feeling in my heart can only be described as emptiness, I have confronted the fact that I have lost my love for Cara.
It is only just beginning to dawn on me what my life will be like in the future. The past couple of months have been hard, but all I was only waiting for the answer.
There is no doubt I will get through this, I will be fine, I will find someone new, someone better. I will love again.
The tests and trials of a human life can break or make a person, I choose to make something of this.
11:06am | 30-10-05

I would have written this journal sooner, but I have been sifting through my messages and catching up with people. 2 weeks ago I went on holidays to Yarrawonga. I had a great time there too, though I missed Cara terribly. I had lots of time to think, and I spent alot of time walking, alone with my thoughts; calm and relaxed. I didnt write much, but I did read alot. Especially a book I purchased there; A collection of poems by edgar allen poe, including The Raven. I am happy that I am finally starting to read and appreciate the wonderful works of the past.

I got back on the saturday only to start working on the sunday; unfortunately I did not see Cara that weekend :(. We talked during the week, but since I am on holidays I am not on the net very often, I rather do other things than spend my day on the net. It would be rather chilling if that was the only thing that I did...

I saw Cara on the weekend, it was so nice just to catch up with her. She had been thinking, just as I have been. We worked things out and a prepared to make it work. What is the use of a relationship if it doesn't have its trials?

Well, that's about it, I am happy that I finally wrote it down. I am finally catching up with things :)

See ya later;

Simon.

I am thinking, my thoughts are no longer clouded or dark. I am happy, and it is growing with every passing moment. I never thought my life could be like this, I always saw other couples, and never knew what it was really like, never thinking I could have it too.
Cara has done so much for me already, and she knows just how much I mean to her. Sometimes words do not describe everything, this is one of those times. I am sitting her, looking at the screen, smiling. Which is why I am writing. I am safe, I am happier than ever, and for those who I do not talk to enough, I still want you to know what is going on in my life. You were there for me when I was unhappy, so reading of the times in which I am content should at least be written on occasion. I admit, it was easier to write when depressed, but it doesn't give me the feelings I have now. So if the only sacrifice is my fears and worries, then I am fine with that.
I am going on holidays this Saturday. To Yarrawonga, as my family does every year. Though I am sorry that I am going to miss out on Lukas's Party, I really wish I could have gone, I know it will be great. So in advance...
"HAPPY BIRTHDAY LUKAS" :D
I have been working for over 3 months now, Big W is a heck of alot better than Kmart, I am finally earning good money, once again it is well received, helping me see and enjoy being with Cara.
That's about it and to end I will say...
I miss you all, and hope too see you all soon.
:D

-Simon

Well, it has been 4 weeks already. It has been a month and we still going strong. Cara and I are a very happy couple, and I am finally feeling how wonderful it is to be cared for.
I worry; I see that as my biggest fault. I worry I will loose her, I worry I am doing something wrong, I worry that I am boring. All normal things to worry about when in a relationship, and the great thing is that after talking these things through with Cara I find that I have nothing to worry about. She has the some of the same worries, and we show each other that the worries are false and overcome them together.
I am already becoming a better person as a result of her, my insecurities are slowly washing away, and a stronger more confident person is surfacing. This is the person I knew I could be, but had no way of reaching. I needed help, and now I have that help I am happy.
I never liked being depressed, but the light of optimism never dimmed. No matter how blurry my vision of happiness, I knew it was out there. My friends always told me that I will one day be with someone, and I thank them for being there for me, how could I doubt myself when they believed in me.

Now all my emotional thoughts have emptied I can talk about the happy weekends I have had with Cara.
Most of the weekends have been spent in Geelong, simply being around each other and talking; getting to know each other. And I see that she is a wonderful person, learning her personality, what she values in life, all of this increases my caring for her.
Then there is the kissing. Kissing her is wonderful, and on the first weekend I may have kissed too much. But who can blame me? For I have never experienced something so excitingly wonderful. The most reassuring part of kissing is the trust involved, knowing that she wants to kiss me as do I.
I have also seen her house, and her dog "Lucy". Ironic, as that is the name of my dog too :). We watched movies such as the butterfly effect, we share the same taste in movies, and that is wonderful.
Also been working, earning money long overdue. I now have a chance to be independent, to do what I want and be where I want to be.
This brings me to the most recent of weekends; The Geelong show and Donnie Darko.
Saturday was the Geelong show, I went to her house first to wait for her sister (Kirby) to get home before leaving as a group. We met up with others once we got there, the show was smaller than the Melbourne show, but I didn't mind as it resulted in less walking. We bought showbags and all manner of obscure trinkets. Then we went on rides together, we rode the scorpion together - twice. And later on we went on the Ferris Wheel, not as romantic as I had hoped, but still a great experience. The time spent with care flew by so quickly, and I was enjoyed every minute. I even won her a huge Fluffy Dice at one point to which one person in the group wished she had a boyfriend to win prizes for her too :D
As the night drew to a close the time for fireworks approached. We arrived with perfect timing and got a good spot in which to watch it. I haven't seen fireworks in so long, and they put on a great performance. We kissed often during that time and it was a very romantic and memorable moment, a spectacular end to the evening.

Sunday was interesting. Kirby, Cara and myself got the very early train (8am) into melbourne, to go to Village Cinemas Jam Factory in Chapel street. "Donnie Darko - The Directors Cut" was only on at 10:15am or 7pm, so we chose the earlier one. We got there with time to spare, and the movie was great. Donnie Darko really deserved the enhancements, it made the overall "Donnie Darko experience" more fulfilling. It finished unexpectedly late (12:30pm), we went shopping and I soon noticed that I had run out of money... Cara helped me buy lunch, and after that we headed for the train home. We missed the train by 5 minutes, so got the Werribee train home, and their parents gave them a lift home. Cara was noticeably in a bad mood, but as long as it wasn't because of me I was only mildly worried, and happy to be there to support her.
I am just happy that it is all working out so well, we seem to be well suited to each other and I look fo rward to even more happy times spent with her.
Williams party is soon and that is the perfect chance for her to meet my friends, I know Will and Ika are looking forward to seeing the woman that makes me so happy.
So now I am happy, school is almost over, I have a job, and I am seeing Cara again this weekend. I can't wait :)
-Simon

Devmeet... and more

I went with no assumptions, I left with everything.
I got the train with Becca into the City, I haven't seen her since highschool, but have still kept in contact with her. She is a good friend.
We got to the meet place well before time, a good little group has been there for a while. It was nice to meet so many people so quickly, a bit overwhelming. But it was more of a twilight zone, especially when the group was at its largest of 60 or 70. There was alot of little jokes happening, it was great to join in on it all. I made the effort to try to speak to as many people as possible. I would say I was comfortable in the group, I guess because it was so large, a certain air of atomicity existed.
I settled into a small group of people, 6 or 7 at most, the louder more outgoing ones. Though I was not exceptionally outgoing, I was more than I ever have been. I enjoyed spending time with people so full of energy, it seemed alot of the larger group just sat there and talked, not doing anything interesting at all.
Many photos were taken throughout the day, including a group shot of all the deviants.
Then the time for food came. That is when the group split up the most, as each section went to each separate fast food outlet. I had Hungry Jacks, then the group I was in sat out the front of a church to eat; Daniel, Cara, Becca, and I. After that Becca had to leave, to go baby-sit for a friend.
We went back to the collective group of deviants, who for all their largeness were doing nothing much at all.
Talked to a few people, then someone asked if anyone wanted to go to a LAN cafe. I have never been to one, so I went with them. Cara and Daniel didn't go straight away, but they came running up 5 minutes later :D The LAN wasn't too exciting, we played starcraft, then Age of Empires II. We must have been there for over an hour and decided to wrap it up, so I stormed Cara's village and I got massacred...
We then went to HMV, I found the Muse albums and DVD's that I didn't have, and ended up spending $80...
There was still another hour to burn so we went to Minotaur, then after a while we started walking to Spencer Street station. I was hoping that I could take the V-Line with the rest of the group and get off at my stop, but since I didn’t have a V-Line ticket I couldn’t go :(
Daniel sent Cara an SMS a while ago saying "don't jump Simon on the train". And when I said that she can't do that now she said that she still has time. (note: This may be sounding corny, but it's 100% true) I then said that I wouldn’t stop her.
The people that know me know that I have never kissed anyone before, well...now you all know :) Cara was really nice about it all. The kiss was nothing like I expected, it was by no means bad, it was amazing. More than I could have imagined. Though I was a bit clumsy...I guess practice will help :D
I like Cara, and she like me. We are wanting to continue it. And we are going to meet up soon.
Oh and thankyou budgieishere for organising the meet, without it. I would never have meet Cara.
oh and btw Cara is muskawo
-Simon

wow, I have been working for a week already. Now I definitely have enough for an update :D
I started working at Big W Werribee last Tuesday. I work night shift, which is always great. It has been 7 months since my last job, and always frustrating when getting declined time after time. but I kept on trying and eventually got it, my hard work paid off eventually. I didn't get it as soon as I may have wished, but I still got it :)
The pay is good, and I got more shifts than I expected in my first week :) I worked 19 hours in 5 days!
I don't complain about being tired, coz a good nite sleep can fix that, and in the end its worth it. Work rocks.
Now I can look forward to The Deviant Art DevMeet this Saturday in the city, it should be fun, and a exceptional chance to meed many many new people. Last time I looked 45 people are confirmed to go.
Oh, and of course, I am on holidays for two weeks. Yet another perk of TAFE, it is set up almost exactly like school. And after I go back it should only be 6 weeks till I finish the year. It is great to get away from that place, I have not been the best at coping at things when they are facing me every single day. When it simply disappears out of my life, though it may hurt, at least I can cope with it in my own time and on my own terms. Those that know, know what I am referring too, I only go to the lengths of making reference to the feelings I have now(not towards her), and as a friend said something along the lines of "referring to her by name only makes it harder to cope".
Well, even I think I have jabbered on for a bit too long.
To finish up, I was hoping that the "Donnie Darko : Directors Cut" Movie would be out in all cinemas. But alas, for the moment it is only selected cinemas.... Jam Factory and Nova. An email I wrote said something about a "Regional Release" could happen in November, so heres hoping :D
Thanks for reading...

Regards,

Simon

Just for fun...
The Dante's Inferno Test has banished you to the Sixth Level of Hell - The City of Dis!
Here is how you matched up against all the levels:

Level	Score
Purgatory (Repenting Believers)	Very Low
Level 1 - Limbo (Virtuous Non-Believers)	Low
Level 2 (Lustful)	High
Level 3 (Gluttonous)	Moderate
Level 4 (Prodigal and Avaricious)	High
Level 5 (Wrathful and Gloomy)	High
Level 6 - The City of Dis (Heretics)	Very High
Level 7 (Violent)	Moderate
Level 8- the Malebolge (Fraudulent, Malicious, Panderers)	High
Level 9 - Cocytus (Treacherous)	Low

Take the Dante's Inferno Hell Test

Yay, just thought I would do a quick little updete. I am starting work tonight. 6pm till10pm at Big W :D